


It's My Life

by PhoenixDown (SekseeDragoness)



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 23:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19859425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SekseeDragoness/pseuds/PhoenixDown
Summary: This was the last thing Cloud expected to find out during a job interview.





	It's My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Just something a little silly that was started a year ago and finished for Camp NaNo

'I need to vomit... or poop... or eat... possibly all of the above'  
These were the thoughts running through Cloud's head as he sat waiting for his turn to be interviewed.  
After washing out of the SOLDIER program he really had nowhere else to go. He certainly wasn't going to go back to his hometown with his tail between his legs, to admit that he was the 'useless bastard' that they had all labeled him as. So, here he was, hoping to get a job as the personal assistant to one of the many pompous executives that helped to run ShinRa.

The in-house advert had been extremely non-descriptive about who the executive was, which likely meant that it was one of the assholes he had seen abusing secretaries and treating the 'peons' below them like trash beneath their feet.  
There was one lady in the waiting area who had spent the last five minutes mumbling "please don't be Heiddegar" repeatedly.  
Cloud mirrored her sentiments, but he didn't hold much hope for anyone better.

He was called into the room twenty minutes later, feeling on the verge of fainting after seeing two secretaries being escorted out by security, one of them passed out cold.  
He took a slow, calming breath, before stepping through the door and closing it behind him, before looking up to see which monster he was trying to get a job working for.  
The last thing Cloud expected to see was the three Generals of ShinRa sitting behind a large table, watching him with varying degrees of interest.

For a moment, Cloud wondered if he was being pranked somehow, but Zack was away on a mission and Cloud had purposely not told him about trying to get a job outside of the army. He would have either talked him out of it or tried to find him a job. Cloud appreciated his friend more than he could say, but he wanted to make it on his own, even if it was just by getting some shitty PA job.

Out of habit, Cloud found himself snapping to attention and saluting, much to the amusement of two of the men before him.  
"Cloud? Please, relax, take a seat" The dark-haired, strongly built General Hewley motioned towards a chair in front of them and Cloud quickly sat in it.  
"I understand this is a bit of a shock, but there are a number of reasons why we don't advertise who the job is for" He smiled kindly at the blond cadet "How are you feeling? Would you like something to drink?" The honest concern in the larger man's voice was a little overwhelming and Cloud found himself answering before he could filter what was running through his head.  
"No, thanks. I need to poop" as soon as the words were out, he slapped both hands over his mouth as his eyes slammed shut. His brain was scrambling to replay what had just happened in the hopes of it being all just a bad dream. Surely he did not just tell the three Generals that.  
It was a slow ten seconds of dead silence before the most hysterical cackling broke it, confirming Cloud's worst fear. He threw back his head and groaned, which only seemed to delight the red-haired General further as he nearly fell out of his chair.

Cloud sighed and stood up "I'm sorry sirs, I'm clearly wasting your time being here, I should leave. Thank you for your time" He couldn't even bring himself to raise his eyes to look at them, as he turned to leave.

He thought he heard a small 'aww' in between laughter, but what stopped him was a throat clearing and the very distinct voice of the Silver General speaking calmly "Wait"  
Cloud stopped and half turned to look back at the man.  
"You are only wasting our time if you don't give us a chance to decide for ourselves if you are the right person for the job" Angeal smiled at him kindly as he spoke and Cloud relaxed.  
Sephiroth nodded in agreement before motioning towards the chair Cloud had just left "Please"

Cloud took his seat again, trying to ignore the snickering still coming from the Red General. Apparently, Sephiroth was less forgiving as he suddenly grabbed the redheads chair and tipped him out of it. It did little to sour the man's mood as he simply got comfortable on the ground.  
"I don't know if it will help at all, but as someone who suffers from nervous bowel movements myself, I understand your predicament and certainly won't hold it against you" Sephiroth was awkward in his attempt to comfort him, which made it all the more surreal.  
Cloud found himself sitting there with his mouth agape as he stared at the man.  
If you had asked him a week ago where his life was going, he would have answered, without hesitation 'I'm gonna be a SOLDIER.' All it had taken was one injection to kill his dreams. It was the tester shot for joining SOLDIER. The smallest amount of Mako was all it took to leave Cloud writhing on the bed in absolute agony, before losing consciousness and waking up two days later, finding he had been removed as a candidate for the program due to 'genetic incompatibility' with the SOLDIER Enhancement Shots.   
If you had told him a week ago that in a weeks time, his biggest idol would be telling him about his toilet habits, he would have called the medical team on you, because clearly there was something wrong with your head.   
But here he was.  
"...STRIFE!" Cloud's head snapped around to look at the Dark General as the man watched him with a small smirk. He heard the redhead getting back into his seat while murmuring happily to the man beside him "I think you broke him, Seph"

Cloud shook his head. His life was never going to be what people would consider normal. It was like an epiphany. It would never be normal, so why try being something he wasn't. He was Cloud Strife, a backwoods, trouble magnet, with hair like a Chocobo's back end, who constantly put his foot in his mouth and had no hope of ever being a hero.  
So, he mentally said'screw it' and spoke his mind.  
"Sorry, Sirs. I was just stuck somewhere between disappointed, amused and completely unsurprised by the fact that probably the only thing I have in common with the man I have looked up to for the last seven years, is that we both nervous poop"


End file.
